We woke up especially late this Christmas day, played some world of warcraft and actually made it to the movies - Aquaman. Then we got home, ordered pizza and finished it in thirty minutes. As wow was under maintenance, I started watching a korean drama series on Netflix. To my surprise, he joined in and became more into it than I was.

These moments, though ordinary, cannot be more welcomed and cherished. It was a time when we enjoyed each other’s company and it was simple and wholesome. May we have more of these moments in the new year.

On a side note, my husband seems to be experiencing some sort of inner crisis and I must remind myself that it is not my duty to handle it.

Recently, I’ve used the word ‘stress’ more often than before; in fact, I don’t remember myself expressing my feelings of stress in the past. I’ve always pride myself in managing matters like a cool cat. Yet, with a baby arriving in weeks, a business to run in March and other matters, I find myself literally on the brink of bursting into tears (even if I’m on the train). I shall learn to breathe and go with the flow…as zen masters would advise?

During the 35-week clinic appointment yesterday, I found myself shaking uncontrollably from nervousness as I used to be during the first few clinic appointments. In the first trimester, I was worried that the fetus would stop developing or that I would suffer a miscarriage. In the last trimester now, I am worried that her heart would stop beating or my placenta would fail her.

It wouldn’t be long now till I receive her into this world. She is already 2.4kg and her heart beats strongly on the right side of my belly. I shall have faith that everything will be alright.

Sitting at Starbucks with my kate spade bag as a lower back rest and having whipped cream in my toffee nut frappe (just cause I can’t have that anymore when baby is born)…reading Bringing Up Bebe so I can learn a thing or two about French parenting…

I wonder how life will be like in a month’s time…

At 35 weeks, I feel a little breathless sometimes as there is lesser space for my lungs to expand. Also, I can’t brisk walk without feeling a strain in my hip muscle.

But I am incredibly thankful to have you, my little whale, swimming in my tummy.

I was watching a documentary about the rising popularity of sex robots. In Japan, a man has begun mass manufacturing sex dolls with unrealistic body proportions and removable vagina tubings. All was rather shocking to the interviewer but he remained composed…until he saw a doll that resembled a young girl’s anatomy. At this point, he was visibly shaken and became teary-eyed. The interviewee admitted that the age of the doll was up to the customer’s imagination. The interviewer could not continue with the interview and stepped out of the factory.

It made me wonder if what made us human was our morality. Robots would not have had such an intuitive and genuine reaction. Yet if he was cool with it, would it have been un-human?

I’ve never been one to be quick to anger. As an educator, I’ve learned to be calm, cool and patient. Yet, this morning my temper rose so quickly I was caught off-guard; I expressed my displeasure at a supermarket staff, which on hindsight, was unnecessary. Sure, I could have justified my reaction based on how impolite and unobservant she was but I knew I would have just stepped aside if I was in a really good mood. Then, it became obvious that my reaction was partly due to the poor mood that I was in.

This evening, some things triggered this latent seed of anger again. I found it hard to understand this emotion as I have not felt it so intensely in recent times.

Now that I know this seed of anger, I shall learn to manage it lest it ruins other parts of me.

Within each of us, there sits a seed that may burst into flames and catch us unaware…

This evening I went shopping for my baby’s clothes and it took me awhile to register just how small a newborn will be…

I can’t wait to see you in a month’s time (however nervous and frightened I will be).

Movement in Decay

Find me on Instagram at sandychin.art

因为我们同盖一张被

难免有些拉扯

有时你盖多一些

有时我盖多一些

但还是同盖一张被

当你把被踢开

我帮你盖好

当我把被掀开

你也帮我盖好

就还是同盖一张被

因为我们同盖这张被

身心满怀温暖

Art moves you to communicate without words.

Does it matter that I say a prayer each night to the Christian god and still take heed of what the fortune teller says?

The religion or tradition of belief we tend to subscribe to is bound to where we live and who we interact with.

Before having the ability to form thoughts, babies are carried in their mother’s arms to the altar for baptism. Before learning the purpose of crying, baby boys lay on sterile beds to be circumcised. Then, when toddlers begin to make meaningful gestures and sounds, they are taught to put their hands together in prayer or bow their heads in respect of ancestral tablets. When they come of age to enter pre-school, they learn that teachers make you sing hymns or perform rituals before lunch. They see no other way but to follow. At this time, they make their first best friends in Sunday school or the mosque or the temple.

Soon, they grow up to enter Primary schools which are mostly secular. They learn that different races have different religions or traditions of belief but they don’t know much or rather, they don’t bother. Their lives remain closely bound to their family. They go to church with their parents or attend Friday prayers with their fathers, no matter whether they like it or not.

Finally, they enter Secondary school and begin to achieve some sense of autonomy. They begin to question their own identity and this is when it may all change. They may refuse to wear yellow amulets around their necks or cover their hair with head scarves. They may choose to discover other religions if their friends come along. It may become ‘happening’ to be seen at a mega church event or cool to be meditating by the beach. Religion or belief becomes a social thing.

Then, teenagers become adults. Some begin to realise the lack of need for religion and subscribe to Stephen Hawking’s YouTube channel while others begin to discover the beauty of faith in leading them through the tumultuous stage of adulting. At this time, they no longer attach themselves to their families or friends. They form an independence in thought and feeling, to some extent.

Then, adults approach the end of the road…

j2parman:

“A relation of cruel optimism exists when something you desire is actually an obstacle to your flourishing. It might involve food, or a kind of love; it might be a fantasy of a good life, or a political project.”

— Lauren Berlant, Cruel Optimism, Duke, 2011, quoted by Vasilina Orlova in Debris of Utopia, forthcoming.